Why fools shouldn't rush in

[Patrick Shannon]

Sadly, too many fools rush into marriage and simply contribute to a high divorce rate (the 50% stat is disputable and is likely lower, but the actual amount of divorces is still alarmingly high). Like to hang out with your friend(s) every weekend? Once they're married, forget about any social life and forget hanging out with them (as much). Never quite understood why there seems to be a need to glue your butt to the couch when you've tied the knot, or answer to someone whenever you want to have a night out with the guys. But yet this doesn't scare guys into thinking things through before popping the question.

But what about the cost of divorce itself? You hear about the wives of so many celebrities getting a huge chunk of their fortune for absolutely no reason. (Though oddly in Britney / K-Fed's case, it's oddly the opposite.) I know two friends who married and filed for divorce within 1-2 years and it's costing them a lot of time and headaches. You'd think ouching a guy in his wallet would teach him a thing or two but no one learns from this, either.

But finally, I think I've done it....discovered a way to really make guys think twice about choosing a bad partner for a marriage. One that'll really kick 'em in the balls.

http://cgi.ebay.com/HIPPO-Giant-5-Foot-Long-Wood-Hippopotamus-HUGE-200-lbs_W0QQitemZ180062894411QQihZ008QQcategoryZ13654Q QssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Let this be a warning. Either be absolutely sure "she's the one" or lose your hippo.

[Patrick Shannon]

Actually....I'm wrong. The hippo is a big loss, but I think this sinks the message in more (especially for the home theatre enthusiast)

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180057955092

[urstwile]

Umm, bitter much, are we?

I noticed you only mentioned that guys should think twice. I suppose I shouldn't regret that my husband farts rather freely and keeps making my personal area smaller to accommodate his Steelers stuff then, huh? ;)

Come to think of it, he even looked in askance at my book collection when we last moved. Guess guys aren't the only ones with hippos. :rolleyes:

[Patrick Shannon]

Umm, bitter much, are we? :rolleyes:

Nothing to be bitter about as I'm not in the situation described, but the auctioneer there.... :)

I'm thinking I should start a money pot to give that hippo a good home. Hey, lawn gnomes are on their way out, you know.

[Red Kittie Kat]

I put that warning out to women as well .... it works both ways :)

[Patrick Shannon]

http://www.patrickshannon.com/images/hippo.jpg

[budafist]

What's rushing into marriage? Just curious. Is there a set time-frame you should wait or does it always depend on the couple?

[Silence04]

LOL, that's freaking hilarious!!!

"This would make a great Christmas present for that special someone in your life. Can you imagine the look on their face when they unwrap this huge gift and see this wonderful cracked creature? Now that I think about it, this may be the greatest Christmas gift of all time.

If you don't want to give it as a gift, you can probably chop it up and use it as fire wood on those cold Tampa nights."

[reuber1]

My parents met when they were 18 and 20 years old, respectively. They wound up being married six months later. 26 years later and they still are.

Patrick, that picture is awesome.

[Kool]

I don't know if it's really a matter of rushing in as it's a matter of totally unrealistic expectations. It seems to me that Americans (I don't really know about the rest of the world) spend so much time obsessing about and talking about and thinking thinking thinking about little piddly shit. There's this everything is going to be perfect mentality and when they find out it just isn't so they bail.

[morea]

men don't always come out on the short end of the stick in marriage, let me tell you.

It's true what they say: marriage is grand, divorce is ten grand. (and that's if you're lucky)

[Patrick Shannon]

Ah, I know Morea, especially in the situation you've told about. Being a bit silly more than anything with my big buildup to the punchline (but that hippo/auction is totally awesome).

But while some people are happy with their marriage, others aren't. For example, one coworker was married and going through divorce within a year and a half. My friend had a big falling out with his fiance a week before the wedding (she is very unstable, very immature long story). We flipped when they got back together a week later and married (all the more since he said he didn't want to get married). Now they're going through a messy divorce and he had to move back home. Another person I know married at twenty-one and when I razzed him about it, he stated "Naw man....it's time." (Time for what, to go into a bar for the first time? :D ) Now he's miserable a lot of times, complained about the lack of sex and has threatened divorce. And to go to bat on the other side, my friend friend's wife went to a club with us a few weeks ago and told me how her and her husband used to go out all the time and he doesn't take her out anymore and just stays at home.

The way I see it, in all of the situations above, they seemed like they were happier single...so stay single. There is always more of a motivation to work harder at the relationship when you know you can be fired (or fire them) at any time. (Like a job.)

Eh, I probably will walk the isle someday, but I'll be damned sure about it, that's for sure. Listen to Guy Kawasaki, the perfect age to get married.....is 32. :P

[Logo-Mechanix]

Marriage takes alot of commitment from both sides and alot of compromising as well. If you want to stop at the bar every night after work and have drinks with your friends don't get married because most people, male or female, will not put up with that. If you want to ditch your other half every Saturday night to go out with friends dont get married. You have to look at the things the other person does and ask yourself am I going to be able to live with those things every day? I often tell people if it wasn't for my wife I would be dead or in jail...or both. In my opinion alot of the problem is people who get married too young and then you throw a kid or two into the mix and stress is inevitable.

[Drawing a Blank]

^^What Logo said rings very true to me.

I waited a long time to get married and really thought I was ready for it and "sure" of it. Nothing else you do can prepare you for what it will be like and it will be different for everyone. Two years later and we are still married and still working on it all the time and still happy.

[frankster]

then you throw a kid or two into the mix and stress is inevitable.

...Or three all at once? ;)

[Logo-Mechanix]

LOL, Frankster. I have been married 10 years but my wife and I dated for about 5 years before we even got engaged and then were engaged for another 2 years before we actually got married. I wanted to be really sure, divorce is way too exepnsive and a great big ball of aggrevation. Then, and you will all like this, we lived at my inlaws for 3 years to save for a downpayment on a house. Now that was an experience.

[cornfed]

I agree with Logo. It is hard and it does take a serious commitment. I got married young and had kids young. I think it posed some challenges that wouldn't have been present had we been older, but we stuck it out and waded through the hard times together. I think we have an extremely strong relationship especially because we've weathered so many storms together and grown up a lot during that time. I think a lot of couples would have thrown in the towel around year 2 if they were us. It seems like we've been through the toughest of times and are now really reaping the benefits of a real strong relationship. But I can see how it's not for everybody.

[Logo-Mechanix]

I think you are the exception to the rule Corn, most couples who marry young don't make it. I think alot of it has to do with immaturity although I know my share of older people who suffer from that as well. I married at 27 and my wife was 25 but we also didn't have children right away either, my 3 boys were just born this year and I could see that putting a big strain on our marriage if we were younger. Soemtimes I think back and I find it hard to believe I began dating the woman who would become my wife when I was only 20 and she was 18.

[frankster]

Soemtimes I think back and I find it hard to believe I began dating the woman who would become my wife when I was only 20 and she was 18.

Me too Logo! It's really cool to hear how different everyone's experiences are. Like Logo I met my husband when I was nearly 18 and he was 20. We pootled along together for around 8 years living in our own separate apartments with different groups of freinds and enjoying our freedom and then in 2004 we had to have a complete shot gun wedding when baby surprise no.1 made herself known (wouldn't have bothered with the wedding if it hadn't of been needed for visas though)

I was engaged for about 8 hours and we still have the deli counter style ticket that we took to get in line at the county court house. I wore red sneakers, a white tshirt and a long denim skirt :D and we had to take BART to Oakland because there was a 60 day wait to get wed in San Fran as it was right at the gay wedding saga time.

We're having fun, even with surprise baby no.2 arriving March just gone. It seems that we've done everything backwards (I'm sure it's supposed to be move in together, get married, have baby, not... get pregnant, get married and then move in together 4 months after you've got married) but hey, different can be quite fun.

My husband is getting me two things for Christmas, a crayola cutter toy and he's also getting me "not pregnant", although I've reminded him that it's the thought that counts.

[LeftBrain Artist]

I don't know if it's really a matter of rushing in as it's a matter of totally unrealistic expectations. It seems to me that Americans (I don't really know about the rest of the world) spend so much time obsessing about and talking about and thinking thinking thinking about little piddly shit. There's this everything is going to be perfect mentality and when they find out it just isn't so they bail.

Not only that, but American society has become very selfish, and impatient. We're used to getting the things we want when we want them. And if we don't get it fast or cheap enough, or if things don't go exactly our way, there's plenty of other people who want my business. We're also a society that prizes and rewards individuality. Not surprisingly, the concerns of the individual take precedence over everyone else. A poor frame of mind to approach a marriage with, where compromise and patience is required. Add to this mix the fact that in the past, I'm sure many people would have like to have gotten divorced, but didn't because it would be a cause of major embarassment or the woman would have a difficult time supporting herself. People have always rushed in and had unrealistic expectations, but now divorce is a more viable solution than it was in the past. And our me-first-and-the-gimmee-gimmees society has led to more unrealistic expectations than ever before.

[frankster]

It's been an eye opener living in the Bay Area for a while. People here think we're nuts when I tell them our story. Most people here seem to be a lot older getting married and a lot more affluent and there's a scary big industry built around these enormous barbie dream wedding scenarios.

Part of my fear of marriage was the idea that there would be social pressure from family to be involved in something like that. I'm glad we were able to "run away" and get married without the pomp and show that makes me feel so nausious.

I think we might do something like have a nice party for our 10th wedding anniversary, that way we can have freinds and family to celebrate, the kids will be old enough to understand that it's a celebration about thier parents being in love and we won't be tied to social expectations that are associated with weddings. Much more relaxed!

[Logo-Mechanix]

My 10 year will be next year and I would like to do something special but I don't know if anything more than a night in AC will be possible with the kids and all. I know my wife would love to go to Disney in Florida but I think the kids will still be a little young for that, and it would be more work for us than fun.

[Exodus]

My wife and I started dating in high school. When I went off to college it was hard but we stuck through it. She really helped my parents a lot in my absence. My mom has a muscle disorder and needs checked on/helped out frequently. Julie and I dated 5 years before we engaged. We were engaged for 1 year and 2 months. In March we will be married 2 years. We have been through a whole bunch of crap and have so far been able to work things out. We purchased a house the same month we got married. Planning a wedding that was going to take place in an area 6 hours away (Tybee Island) and closing on a house in the same month is a little nerve wracking. We got home from our honey moon and had to clear a path through the boxes just to make it to bed. All in all, things have worked out for the best. We are now trying to have children but do not know if we will be able to. My wife has severe endometriosis and none of the things the doctors have done or prescribed for her have helped very much. In fact, most of it has only made things worse. Laparoscopic surgery helped some but the stuff keeps coming back with vigor. This whole thing has just been tiring and is currently the main source of our discouragement.

Sorry, that last bit just sort of spilled out... It's been on my mind a lot lately.

[cornfed]

Yeah, Logo, I know we're the exception. I'm glad of it, too. We eloped too Frankster. It was definitely more fun that way. Our families are too different to pretend that we could all get together and celebrate anything!

[Logo-Mechanix]

Exodus, I was in a similar situation, my wife has the same condition, and there are options out there. I think I have talked about it before on here so I won't kill everyone with the story again but if you want PM me and I can tell you how it worked out and at least tell you how we managed to have kids. I did more research than I care to on the subject of infertility.

[Patrick Shannon]

It's not about going out and partying everynight, it's remaining an active and interesting individual. Diversity and interests is what makes us unique, interesting and attractive beings, and doesn't mean irresponsible either (of course, the addition of children does change everything, but that's different and I'm talking about childless couples in this scenario). Need to look no further than that wife I talked about who was aggrivated that her husband no longer wanted to go out and do anything with her. Her interest level appears to be dropping fast because that's not how he was like when they were single, now he's a lazy individual. And yes, it's one thing (and rude) to just go out and leave whenever, but when your spouse (suddenly) has a problem with your plans in which you made engagements on WEEKS in advance - problem.

Now on the other hand, I know another couple (with children even) who compromises and trades off their Saturday/Sunday's whatnot. One weekend she gets to go out and do what she likes with friends while he stays at home with kids. The next weekend, the opposite. Then Friday nights are their nights (or something like that). They discover new activities, things to do. And I can name another couple yet that met in a club and went on to get married. And they continue to go to that club apart and together and are just as active as when they were single, if not more so. Now THOSE are great marriages in my opinion.

[Logo-Mechanix]

My wife and I do the whole trade off thing which I think you kind of have to once you have children. I go hunting on Saturdays and sometimes don't come home until the afternoon. Sundays my wife goes out to the stores or her sisters and I stay home and watch football with the kids. Friday night we usually spend together, I don't believe you have to be glued to each other, everyone needs time apart or you will end up killing each other. Most people do change when they get married even if it's only a little, I like to think I changed for the better because before I was a baaaaaaad boy.

[frankster]

Is being married actually any different to living together? Most people move in together way before they get married these days. I don't understand what they think is supposed to change after they get married. Isn't it just the same as before? I only moved in with my husband 4 months after we were married because we were in the middle of trying to emmigrate to the US and honestly it feels pretty much the same as when we weren't married. The kids are what has made life very different for us.

[Drorain]

Marriage carries a lot with it frankster, a lot of tax benifits, financial implications and so much more. As a sacrament to the church it also is sacred to those who believe in the union in a spiritual sense as well. For the government it's basically a social contract that binds two incomes, insurance coverage, liabilities (bills) and other stuff. Plus it's more permanant. So yah, shouldnt be rushed into. IMO it is very different from two people just living together

[frankster]

I guess what i meant is that the way you feel about the other person and your life together is the same the week before you get married as it is the week after. I get the impression some people expect a change of some sort after the ceremony.

[budafist]

I think it's important that you are a good team before marriage. I see my friends getting married after only 1 or 2 years of dating. Why? I don't see the rush, but sometimes when I see other people get married I get the feeling - why not us too? We've been together for close to 5 years now, living together for 3 years and it's still sunny sailing.

I can't think how marriage would change things for us.

[reuber1]

I personally prefer bachelorhood and dating, and the living-with-each-other and doing-stuff-to-each-other, but no marriage for me. I'm not a believer in it.

[frankster]

I personally prefer bachelorhood and dating, and the living-with-each-other and doing-stuff-to-each-other, but no marriage for me. I'm not a believer in it.

It's really not any different from the living with each other and doing stuff to each other that you speak of. Apart from the 50 dollars with of white gold on my finger and the tax breaks, life goes on with my love as normal. Oh and I have a new last name, that was kind of confusing for a while.

[Patrick Shannon]

LOL! The guy running the auction got messaged about the hippo thread on another forum (which is where I found the auction in the first place) and emailed me. He wants to use my graphic in the auction! :D

[frankster]

That's so funny! Poor bloke though.

[vtwin_gary]

accommodate his Steelers stuff

way to go Mr. Urstwile. are either of you from the pittsburgh aera?

[urstwile]

Gary, Sam (husband) is from Pittsburgh and is a rabid Steelers fan, complete with doing a shrine every time they play. Although he's really depressed about how they're doing this year. :o

Sam and I lived together for four years before getting married. Getting married didn't really change our feelings for each other that much, but it did seem to tint the relationship with a different kind of hue, for lack of a better description. When we were living together, I think it was always in the back of both our minds that if things didn't work out, we could go our separate ways and not have to deal with things like divorce, so there was a little bit less of a sense of commitment involved. Once we got married, it just seemed like we approached the relationship differently, more like a partnership that was grounded by something. I'm not explaining it very well, sorry.

In addition, I never expected to get married. I always thought of myself as not the marrying kind (not because of any wildness, I just thought it was unnecessary, since I never planned to have kids). Sam was the same way. Unlike a lot of people, I had no burning desire to get married, ever, and didn't really think about it or stress about it when people around me were getting married, many based on some random deadline they'd manufactured for themselves.

I was 48 when we got married. I have no regrets about it whatsoever, and although it somewhat changed things in terms of perceptions, I would have been just as fine not getting married at all. I think Sam's take on it is that it gives him a reason to think about some of his wilder decisions more often, whereas before he might not have taken it into consideration as much. Logo, I think your pre-marriage ways are probably in line with Sam's, and he constantly tells me that getting married to me was the best decision he ever made in his life because it gives him an anchor.

[CamarotaDesign]

Urstwile was a rollin' stone, wherever she roamed....

[CamarotaDesign]

There's this everything is going to be perfect mentality and when they find out it just isn't so they bail.


Hey Kool, could you give a seminar in my town?

[Logo-Mechanix]

Urst, the only difference I don't tell my wife that very often. She might get a fat head.:D