Nothing to do with design...

[Spunky Nerd]

Okay, this has nothing to do with design but I just need to talk for a little bit. I know I haven't been on this forum long, but since I've joined I have been very active almost everyday. I just moved a couple months ago and don't really have anyone to talk to about my problems. If this is an inappropriate topic, feel free to delete the thread moderators....

So, this is going to be a very condenced version of what has happened. When I was 16 I got a DUI, failed a lot of drug test, wreched every car our family owned, and was scarily close to going to juvy. I went through rehab and treatment and have been clean for 4.5 year up until now.

My dad has lived in china since I was 10 and divorced my mother for a woman he met over there. My mother remarried and I found in my stepfather what my own father could never give to me. My stepdad passed away jan 10th, 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer (first visit to the hospital on my sons <his only grandchild> first birthday (december 14th). He was diagnosed with advanced small cell lung cancer (advanced meaning at the time they caught it it had already spread to his brain liver, prostate, leg and hip bones, spine and a general abdominal tumor. I have been a mess over that. It doesn't help that my father asked my mother "so does this mean we can have sex again" 2 days after my step dad died, or the fact that when I told my dad my stepdad was going down hill all hed had to say was "Yeah, hes dead."

Then two weeks ago I lost my job the day after I quit smoking (STRESSFUL). And that night I refilled my xanax perscription to last me a month. At first I took it only when I needed it (maybe 3 that week) but somehow another week goes by and I have no more xanax (considering I took 4 tonight) , so I guess I relapsed. I am having a really hard time with everything and just needed to vent a little.

Sorry this is a little deep, but I just don't have anyone to talk to and I am actually kind of sorry for bugging you guys all the time with my bickering and bitching but thanks for at least reading this.

*edit, I also smoked tonight so I am feeling really bad about that cause I lasted two weeks without one. ) :

[urstwile]

Hang in there, spunky, don't belie your name. :)

Seriously, I hope things start getting better for you soon. (((hugs)))

[Spunky Nerd]

http://i29.tinypic.com/2z4a4q1.jpg
This is my stepdad, I doctored the pic for the obituary (not a very good photohop cutout job, but it was shown 2x2 on newprint, so it didn't really matter) and created all the invitations and programs for the funeral, now a big part of my portfolio...

http://www.legacy.com/KansasCity/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Notice&PersonID=101611956

[Jam]

Take it easy, don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through a lot lately.
Urst's right, things will get better, just give it time.

[Ben Kessler]

So sorry to hear about your stepdad, Spunky. My condolences.

[Red Kittie Kat]

Look for people who can give you some support right now Spunky. Family, Friends, Clergy, or even seeking counseling might not be a bad idea. If you don't have insurance right now, a lot of places have free support groups.

Other than that all I can tell you to do is stay strong and focused. Eventually things will start smoothing out for you. Things never stay the same for long .. there is something new waiting to happen just around the corner :)

[Kool]

Keep your chin up Spunkey. That's a whole lotta bad to happen all at once but it should mellow out for a time. I would just go buy a pack of smokes and enjoy them. Quitting is super hard under the best of circumstances and yours are far from the best. Just say screw you to the guilt and quit again in six month when life is a little less stressful. :)

[Red Kittie Kat]

^^^ agreed .. just smoke em if ya got'em ;)

[ericamhc]

I'm sorry. I wish I could help you, or at least give you a hug. Perhaps you should go talk to your Dr and see if Xanax is still the best option for you, or if you should use something else for anxiety that is stronger. I'm not familiar with Xanax particularly but maybe something else will work better so you won't feel you need to take extras?

In the meantime I am thinking of you and please feel free to rant here. I hope you are feeling better soon. It's clear you have been through a lot and I really hope you can get some relief and comfort.

[cornfed]

Do you go to meetings? I'm sure you know the meetings I'm talking about. My sister in law is a recovering addict and she gets a lot of support from her meetings. She's been clean for a few years now but still goes to the meetings for support.

[Spunky Nerd]

^^ I am actually going today to meet with the councilor (sp?) that I had outpatient treatment with years ago. And yes, I am going back to those wonderful meetings lol. When I was younger and realized I was an addict/alcoholic I went to NA and AA, more AA, and I hated it because I was like 17 in a group where the average age was like 40, I didn't relate to anyone much and didn't get much out of it, I think I fit in better in NA...

To the next issue... last night in my high stuper I emailed my dad in china being honest with him about how I feel (lots of issues there) and he emailed back with "I don't care if the *****er (my stepdad) is dead." so it's been an emotional morning recieving the email and on top of that I woke up late and had an interview this morning. I woke up in time to take my son to daycare, get ready, and get on the road to make it to the interview 5 min early... low and behold I ran out of gas on the way... I coasted to a gas station and realized that I forgot my debit card and had no cash... I had to pay for gas to get me to the interview with nickels and pennies buying me 2.20 worth of gas... wow, so I was late to the interview, but thankfully had their card and was able to call and let them know what was going on while I was coasting to the gas station. Anyways, it went well and he says he has one more interview after me, but things are in my favor, he is very impressed with me, and that things are looking good....

When it rains it pours!

[Riya]

Good thing you had all that change in your car. I would have been able to scrape together maybe five cents. Take it easy tonight. Treat yourself. I recommend a hot bath and chocolate.

[morea]

it will get better. Try not to let the flood of hardships overwhelm you. Try to deal with things 5 minutes at a time, it makes it easier.

If you can get to your local library, pick up a copy of the book "Being Happy" by Andrew Matthews. It's a really good read and it might help you to look at things differently. Someone recommended it to me when I was going through a similar hard time a few years ago, and it helped me. If your library doesn't have it, they can probably get it, or you could look into buying it on eBay - my copy only cost me about $3.

Hang in there, and try not to beat yourself up so badly.

[tuliptree]

Hi Spunky, sorry to hear you have so much going on, and about your step-dad. Hang in there. Its great that you are so open, and GDF is definitely a place full of supportive people. Vent away I say. That helps a lot. Things in life seem to ebb and flow from good to bad and back again. You seem like a really strong person, and I am sure things will get better.

I agree with Kool and Kittie, don't add trying to quit smoking to your list of worries right now. Maybe just pat yourself on the back if you smoke one less in a day for now. Take small steps.

Hang in there!

[Spunky Nerd]

Last night I realized that nicotien addiction is the least of my worries compare to desperately trying to find some drug dealer to buy xanax from. Quiting smoking was important to me because of how my stepfather died, but I know he would rather have me smoke and quit later than fall back into the hell of drug addiction that I was in.

I am feeling a lot better since I had it out with my father. Going back and forth with him kind of validated what I was thinking (he doesn't have a parenting bone in his body and he is going through too much on his own to even come close to being a father figure). I would rather know a terrible truth (he doesn't want to be a parent to me) than keep wondering.

[SpugNothuson]

I feel for you Spunky. Wish I could give you a proper man hug. Hugs always make things seem that little bit better.

[budafist]

I think for now, taking up smoking might help you get through this. It's better than overdosing on the alternative.

[Spunky Nerd]

^i bought a pack this morning haha! But, I got good news from the interview this morning... they offered me the job! I have another interview tomorrow and I will most likely accept the offer after that! Sooooo cool!

[urstwile]

That sounds great Spunky. :) I hope it works out for you.

[morea]

Me too! Let us know how it goes!

[ericamhc]

Hey good deal! That really says something, when you were feeling low you still kicked butt at the interview ;) Congratulations! I hope your counsellor can help ya. Kudos to you for dealing with everything so well.

[Red Kittie Kat]

Good Deal Spunky!!! See things are looking up already :)

[Spunky Nerd]

Yeah, hopefully. I was bawling this morning and was like f()ck it, I am going all out and selling the sh*t out of myself. Made it a little personal challenge. Haha, after the interview I pulled over on the way home an let it all out... it takes a lot out of a person to fake "put together" for that long! lol

[budafist]

Good luck to you!