Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers [Archive]

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morea

10-10-2004, 01:09 AM

'Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers”

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say, 'I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died . . . '

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company.'
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, 'What are you wearing?'

5. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say 'No' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, 'I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?'

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: 'Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?'

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, 'Oh my God!' and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?' The Telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Me either!' Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration' and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, 'Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.'

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. 'Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma? Is she out on parole yet?'

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up. . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.

ReedHendrix

10-10-2004, 01:29 AM

LMAO at No.4
Great list

Well it's a bit slow on here today... might wait by the phone, hoping a telemarketer calls... for the first time I actually want one of them to ring!

Debz

10-10-2004, 05:40 AM

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

LMAOOOOOOO!!!!! THATS GREAT!!

i used to be a telemarketer.. and i am a telemarketers worst nitemare now.. buhahahah!!!

* Vote Debz & DD 2004 *

I will end terrorism, Stupidity, Laziness and eliminate all the slackers who drag us down. Do not screw wit me.. buahaha! Debz & DD - 2004
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v357/Debbz/kittenz.jpg

morea

10-10-2004, 05:44 AM

I had the title 'account manager', but was really a glorified telemarketer. Business to business, never had to call anybody at home. I am SOOO not a high-pressure sales person. I would just call and say, 'just wanted to check with you and make sure you were doing ok with your business forms. Ok, bye'

The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.

Debz

10-10-2004, 05:46 AM

LOLOL! well i am a 'account rep' right now. I have to call a few of my customers to check there supplies... but since they have me doing sales and design work i dont really have time to scratch my ass let alone make phone calls.. I do have time to go on GDF.. my boss (aka my mom) will see me on here and i say.. ITS TO HELP WITH GRAPHIC DESIGN MOM! lol and she'll leave me alone.. hehehe!

but no i am NOT a telemarketer.. :p i am these ppls psychologist i think.. ppl get so bent outta shape of pancakeing folders it pathetic. its like dude get a life. lol its a friggin folder!!

* Vote Debz & DD 2004 *

I will end terrorism, Stupidity, Laziness and eliminate all the slackers who drag us down. Do not screw wit me.. buahaha! Debz & DD - 2004
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v357/Debbz/kittenz.jpg

morea

10-10-2004, 05:51 AM

I say it's to help me with graphic design... and it really does! but the 'off topic' section is so much fun!

The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.

Debz

10-10-2004, 05:52 AM

lol yeah it is!! I only go into the other areas when i have a question cuz i dont know enuf to actually help someone LOL

* Vote Debz & DD 2004 *

I will end terrorism, Stupidity, Laziness and eliminate all the slackers who drag us down. Do not screw wit me.. buahaha! Debz & DD - 2004
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v357/Debbz/kittenz.jpg

C.E.

10-10-2004, 04:50 PM

LMAO @ the whole thing... I'm gonna print this out and hang it up at work. hehe.
My mom actually DID #12!!!! Said 'I'm on the other line with my elderly Mother, can I get your home phone number?' and the dude was like, 'well we can't give it out' etc. and that's when she said all that.... SOOO FUNNY I about died.

3howards

10-10-2004, 07:23 PM

those are pretty good...i won't get to use them though 'cause we don't ever get any calls. we're on the do not call list so nobody calls except for people we already do business with or things we signed up for.

i think my all time favorite though is the come back that jerry seinfeld had on one of his episodes. the telemarketer calls and wants to sell him somthing. jerry says, you know this is kind of a bad time, can you give me your number so i can call you later at home. the guy says, i'm sorry sir but we can't give out our numbers. jerry says, oh, i guess you don't want people calling you at home. the guy responds, no. jerry, well, now you know how i feel ... click. just hilarious!

Instead of focusing on what you won’t be about, decide what you will be about and make that good thing the central aim of your life. -- Pieter Van Waarde

morea

10-10-2004, 07:26 PM

MCI called my grandmother once to see if she wanted to switch from AT&T. She told them, 'I'm sorry, I don't have a phone' and hung up.

The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.

Allen Harkleroad

10-11-2004, 12:17 AM

Before i put ALL of our phone numbers on the do not call list, i could make a tele-marketer hagin up in 2-5 seconds.

(in chinese accent)
Hello? Chinese Resturant, special today..Wanton Suop and shrimp friend rice.
your order?

And then everyting they say something, (in chinese accent). NO, your order?
generall when you say Hello? Chinese Resturant, they hang up.

I only had one that didn't he sort of laughed (but you could tell he was really puzzled) and asked if this was for real so i replied (in chinese accent), No, your order? (next thing i head was dial tone). Never get a telemarketing call same the same company twice, ever. I guess no one wants to chat with 'ohda taka' at chinese resturant...

allen harkleroad<a target="_blank" href="mailto:H@rklerod" target=_blank>
</A>"I didn't do it...You didn't see me...You can't prove a thing..."

Visit Our Magazine: www.DesignerToday.com (http://www.designertoday.com/tabindex-0/tabid-1/DesktopDefault.aspx)

Get inside my head at www.DontFear.com (http://www.dontfear.com/)

www.buythistoday.com (http://www.buythistoday.com)

http://shop.designertoday.com (http://shop.designertoday.com)

http://www.gmpias.com (http://www.gmpias.com)

http://www.zonedeals.com (http://www.zonedeals.com)

PrintDriver

10-11-2004, 12:18 AM

We did that to someone selling replacement windows. Sorry, don't have any windows in this place <click>.
Credit card companies, tell em you're unemployed.
We're on 'no call' but someone recently found a loophole. They called saying they weren't selling anything. They were only asking if I would agree to have a sales rep call me. WTF???

PrintDriver is a large format digital print dude. His advice/opinions may not apply to the 4color/offset/web world of printing

Allen Harkleroad

10-11-2004, 12:22 AM

Tell them to take you off of their list and if they call again they will be reported to the FTC (then report them the first friggin time cause you are on the do not call list). DO NOT Call means do not call, if they haven't done business wqith you previously, etc. then no mater what they do they are in violation of the do not call list. Arrogan bastids, i would have told them, thanks for calling, while you talk i am logging on to www.donotcall.gov and file a complain on you as i am on the do not call list. now go pancake yourself.

allen harkleroad<a target="_blank" href="mailto:H@rklerod" target=_blank>
</A>"I didn't do it...You didn't see me...You can't prove a thing..."

Visit Our Magazine: www.DesignerToday.com (http://www.designertoday.com/tabindex-0/tabid-1/DesktopDefault.aspx)

Get inside my head at www.DontFear.com (http://www.dontfear.com/)

www.buythistoday.com (http://www.buythistoday.com)

http://shop.designertoday.com (http://shop.designertoday.com)

http://www.gmpias.com (http://www.gmpias.com)

http://www.zonedeals.com (http://www.zonedeals.com)

morea

01-26-2007, 01:51 PM

a few more ideas from an email I received:

- Try to sell them something instead. You can say enthusiastically, "Hey! I'm glad you called! I sell designer paper towel holders and I'll bet you need one. Let me tell you about them!" They'll probably try to get you back to talking about their product. Talk right over them. Keep going until they either hang up or buy your product.

- Ask lots of stupid questions. Really stupid questions. The dumber, the better. The more, the better. Such as, "Does that come in different colors?" if they're trying to sell you life insurance. Have a pleasant tone to your voice so that they will have to wonder if you're medicated or perhaps should be.

- Hand the phone to your two-year old and let them have a conversation. This is tough if you don't have a two-year old. Perhaps you could pretend you are one and speak in a baby voice.

- Ignore their sales pitch and ask, "Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?" Or Buddha or whoever your spiritual leader is. If you're serious about it, all the better.

mac.FINN

01-26-2007, 01:57 PM

I just answer all their questions with an enthusiastic (and un-censored):

"No F***ing Way? REALLY?!"

or

"You just blew my F***ING mind man!"

cornfed

01-26-2007, 02:19 PM

Slightly off topic, but still made me laugh.

Someone called me the other day to ask me for my phone number. I couldn't believe it. I told her I don't give out my number. I'm still scratching my head over it. What were they thinking?

Patrick Shannon

01-26-2007, 02:21 PM

Come to think of it, I don't get telemarketer calls anymore since I moved and use my cell phone exclusively now. But when I did get them, the best part is that you can do or say (almost) anything you want without a slap on the hand, they're calling you and not the other way around. :)

doctorfoz

01-26-2007, 02:31 PM

In the UK we get a lot of calls from people for whom English must be a second language. I like to mess with their heads by being really enthusiastic about what they're trying to sell me, but being deliberately obtuse about it.

or sometimes I just put the phone down on the table and leave it for 10 mins

I've never yet had the nerve to enquire about their underwear or sexual habbits...

doc.

TheBluePanda

01-26-2007, 05:35 PM

Logo-Mechanix

01-26-2007, 07:04 PM

I just talk like a pirate and continue to do so until I either laugh out loud or they hang up. Arrrrrrrr, what is it you might be peddling you scallywag.

miss.bone

01-26-2007, 09:03 PM

I just answer all their questions with an enthusiastic (and un-censored):

"No F***ing Way? REALLY?!"

or

"You just blew my F***ING mind man!"

lmao...that one was great!!!

MyST

01-26-2007, 09:29 PM

miss.bone

01-26-2007, 09:33 PM

Tell them you need to put them on hold, then proceed to sing...badly... into the reciever.

As they try to sell you life insurance, cough non-stop. Hold the phone just a little bit away from you mouth and yell "Honey, there's some blood again!"

rotfl...oh lord, I can't take this. I am officially banning myself from this thread because laughing until your jaw hurts can't possibly be healthy!!!

Riya

01-27-2007, 01:35 AM

In fact, a few days ago, someone shady dude actually came to my door at like 8pm trying to sell magazines. He was pretty slick too, at first he acted like he had just moved to the neighborhood and was meeting people. I was not happy. He could tell I was about to strangle him.

Eh, I had one of those a while back. He was really really rude to me when I told him that I wasn't going to buy anything. Yelled at me for waisting his time by letting him go through his whole thing. If the guy had been honest about what he was up to in the first place, then I would have told him to go right away.

cornfed

01-27-2007, 01:56 AM

We had one of those Millenium guys latch onto us a few years ago. It was horrible. He just wouldn't go away. My husband finally had to tell him in no uncertain terms that we weren't his friend, we hated him, we didn't want to be a part of his get rich quick scheme and if he came onto our property again he would be shot. It was so awkward to have to talk to another human being that way, but he just wouldn't go away. I wonder where people like that store their souls. It seemed like he just let his dignity fly out the window for a get rich quick scheme.

urstwile

01-27-2007, 02:24 AM

Eh, I had one of those a while back. He was really really rude to me when I told him that I wasn't going to buy anything. Yelled at me for waisting his time by letting him go through his whole thing. If the guy had been honest about what he was up to in the first place, then I would have told him to go right away.
He yelled at you for wasting HIS time? Okay, I'm astounded by that. Your time, I suppose, is meaningless, particularly if you don't want to buy something.

reuber1

01-27-2007, 02:31 AM

I wish I had the patience to use some of these creative ideas, but unfortunately I always immediately hang up on them out of anger. They always seem to call when I'm eating dinner, which makes me even more angry.

In fact, a few days ago, someone shady dude actually came to my door at like 8pm trying to sell magazines. He was pretty slick too, at first he acted like he had just moved to the neighborhood and was meeting people. I was not happy. He could tell I was about to strangle him.
I'm the same way. My high school Spanish teacher told us we should habla in the espanol and sound really enthusiatic to just be talking to someone, that usually got them off our backs, but I usually get to mad to really attempt that.

I thought of talking like the Incredible Hulk during those calls though.

"Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Sporting News Magazine and we were..."
"HULK SMASH!!!!!!"
"...um...we were wondering if you are still interested in a two year subscription with half-off the cover price"
"SMASH!!!!!!! SMASH!!!!!!"
"Errrr...is everything alright mr. roober?"
"ARGHGHGGHGHGGHGGEGHGHGHGH!!!!! ME NO ROOBER!!!! ME HULK!!!! ME SMASH!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!!"
"Ummm....hello?"

And the only thing she would hear would be the sound of dishes being broken and, if prepared, the piano music from when he's walking off.

frankster

01-27-2007, 02:35 AM

- Hand the phone to your two-year old and let them have a conversation.

My two year old did a splendid job on some Mormon nuns that knocked on the door a month or so ago. Usually with religious door knockers I'm quite freindly and open to a conversation as long as they realise at the start I have no intension of joining said religion and I'm just interested in what they believe and why, but my daughter in this situation just went loopy on them. She was dancing on the spot and shouting nonsense that scatman would have been proud of. "a wigga jigga pig! a wigga pig! jigga wig! ah hahahahahaaaa!" and laughing like a dirty old man. They couldn't get a word in edgeways and then to top it off she started pointing at one of the women and repeatedly shouting "STEEVE, STEEEEEEVE!!!" They left quite soon after that. My little girl makes me proud. She's a fun lovin little criminal!

urstwile

01-27-2007, 02:38 AM

My two year old did a splendid job on some Mormon nuns that knocked on the door a month or so ago. Usually with religious door knockers I'm quite freindly and open to a conversation as long as they realise at the start I have no intension of joining said religion and I'm just interested in what they believe and why, but my daughter in this situation just went loopy on them. She was dancing on the spot and shouting nonsense that scatman would have been proud of. "a wigga jigga pig! a wigga pig! jigga wig! ah hahahahahaaaa!" and laughing like a dirty old man. They couldn't get a word in edgeways and then to top it off she started pointing at one of the women and repeatedly shouting "STEEVE, STEEEEEEVE!!!" They left quite soon after that. My little girl makes me proud. She's a fun lovin little criminal!
That's quite possibly the funniest thing I've visualized all day. Thanks Frank. :D

MyST

01-27-2007, 12:59 PM

I once had a guy come to my door and tried to sell me something. Forget what it was.
A few weeks later, he shows up again and tries to sell me a vacuum cleaner. This was in 1985, and he wanted $900 for the vacuum cleaner. :eek:
I was living in a studio apartment that had a central vacuum.

After him insisting for so long, even doing the demo, (even though I told him right off that I wasn't interested) I finally said NO. And told him to leave. He gets all mad and tells me "You're never going to amount to anything!"
This was after he gave me his business card.

So I called his boss and told him how rude he was, and that he was also working for someone else (which is where he got my name for the vacuum thing). His boss replied that he was going to take care of it. (Doubt he ever did, but I felt better)

"You're never going to amount to anything!"
Pfft! 20 years later and I'm doing wel...

OK, that might not be the best example.;)

Logo-Mechanix

01-29-2007, 03:10 PM

With door knockers I find that answering the door with a shotgun usually gets the message across. And if it doesn't just turn a round and yell to no one in particular, "I told you I was soory for shooting the dog, it was an accident".

Eraser Nubbin

01-29-2007, 04:37 PM

MCI called my grandmother once to see if she wanted to switch from AT&T. She told them, 'I'm sorry, I don't have a phone' and hung up.

The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.

We constantly get calls from Newspapers trying to sign us up for "almost" free subscriptions, I just tell them that I am illiterate, I don't think they have a stock answer on their little response key for that one.

morea

02-22-2007, 05:51 PM

there are some here that I haven't seen before. :)

http://www.zefrank.com/donotcall/