Let's make a list of our favorite customer clichés

[Jimeda Fork]

New and old, let's here some of the comments your clients say that just make you want to shoot em in the eye with a pellet gun.

Here's my top two:

'Can you do something with the white space, maybe center everything?'

and

'I looks clean. Real crisp.' - please anyone tell me what the hell that means. (my first ever response was classic, 'well, its a new piece of paper printed at 600 dpi, what do you expect?'

You don't know what you don't know.

[1984]

This is my all time fav...the one where I wish i had an alligator trap door in front of my desk...

'Oh, that should only take you a second to do...right?'

Ordinary Life is Pretty Complex Stuff

[D-Frag]

I just got off the phone with a client asking me to do something with the, and I quote 'Opaqueness' had to clue him in and tell him its 'opacity'

But my favorite line of all time is 'Here is my website, perhaps you can use the images on their'

http://img15.exs.cx/img15/7863/nufrag2nk6zq.jpg

digitalcamwhore (http://digitalcamwhore.deviantart.com/gallery/)

Thanks to vend3r (http://www.graphicdesignforum.com/profile.aspx?f=35&m=97279&p=4762) for the sig

http://img167.exs.cx/img167/9269/xtroll7ae.jpg http://img167.exs.cx/img167/9269/xtroll7ae.jpg

[Jimeda Fork]

Here's one from my Print Shop guy - a client requested double-sided transparencies in order to save money

You don't know what you don't know.

[MD]

Thats one of my favorites D-frag

I actually heard this a few years ago........
I'm a Microsoft certified professional.....I think I know what I am doing.

You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs on this forum. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.

[Ulysses]

Having told them it'll cost considerably more, to do it properly (having just made the alteration they insisted on) ... 'just leave it like that then.'

[TBdesign]

Opaqueness, actually I have heard that alot, more so I think from people in this field than out of it. lol

'Ummmmm. I need this flyer done, and I am in a big rush so I need it by yesterday.'

... Have no fear of perfection - You will never reach it ...

[Jimeda Fork]

Can't you just push a button and . . . (insert dumbass request)

You don't know what you don't know.

[1984]

I love when I worked for the screen printer, I would constantly be telling clients we need higher resolution images, not these 1' X 1' 72 dpi craps...so of course some how those people find out about photoshop, go in, change the resolution to 300dpi, and i get back a .003' X .003' 300dpi image!! had to love them

Ordinary Life is Pretty Complex Stuff

[D-Zine]

'...I have Photoshop at home, I can do the ad myself'

yeah...ok dude, whatever.

Power to the Oldschoolers

[Ulysses]

D-Zine said...
'...I have Photoshop at home, I can do the ad myself'

Yeah!? (acting mightly impressed). I have a hammer at home too ... want me to build you a conservatory? or perhaps an outdoor swimming pool?

[PrintDriver]

'This proof doesn't match what I see on my monitor.'
Or
'Laser proof enclosed for color match.'

<whups, is this a designer forum?>

PD is a grande format digital print dude. His advice/opinions may not apply to the 4color/offset/web world of printing

[D-Zine]

LOL @ PD!!

Power to the Oldschoolers

[3howards]

'it's camera-ready...the excel file is on the disc'

'Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.' -- Isaiah 5:20

[red raw]

I have to get work approved by Disney and I usually hear:

'Send the CD for print, I'm sure Disney will approve it'

only to hear the next day after spending £38 on UPS

'Disney said can you move that flower on the left down about 8mm', 'You didn't send the CD did you?'


Also: 'I'm off for the next 2 days, but can I have it on my desk for when I get back?' I don't know A**HOLE! It depends where they PUT IT!!!!!!!

'I try to ensure my modesty covers up my obvious genius'

Post Edited (red raw) : 2/3/2005 1:34:00 PM GMT

[red raw]

Oh and:

'The poster needs to be printed quickly, can you send it Via Email?'

Yeah Genius, it's only 99cm x 68cm at 300 DPI, 200mb+...

'I try to ensure my modesty covers up my obvious genius'

[defjoe]

'I did this entire brochure myself... in Photoshop.'

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'
'I'm the damn designer, bitches!'

Check out my indie comic book!
www.assassinsguild.net/ (http://www.assassinsguild.net/)

How about 'Can you turn the car so I can see the other side?' WTF? Yea let me use the create a side that hasn't been photographed filter in Photoshop.

Graphic Design Heroes! Call me Captain Type Caster. I’ve fought off “The Evil Cosmic Sans” for year but it seems “Dr. Extreme Untalent” keeps bringing him back. I must find a way to defeat this evil creature.

Capt. Creative bring me those comps…

[Drorain]

taglines

'We're there when you need us!'

'No job to big or to small'

http://www.grivakisgraphics.com/images/img_logomark.jpg

"I Heart Chewie"
Oh Chewie I love U "click (http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/sounds/Chewie03.wav)"

[jamodu]

Opaqueness (http://www.answers.com/opaqueness&r=67)

you gotta love emails like these...

'the vector logo you requested is in the attached word doc'
/emoticons/frusty.gif hmmm..no i think that's a lo-res logo straight from your website!

[Patrick Shannon]

Oooh, sounds fun.....lemme think......

Cliche #1: Customers gives you a printed document (cause they can never supply text files) that is supposedly to their liking and finished, then you scan the text (cause it would take too long to type) and import it into whatever the stationary is. You proof it to them, they make changes to the text. And more changes.

Cliche #2: Big clients CANNOT for the life of them supply, or get someone to supply, vector logos. One time a company couldn't do this, and their supplied web graphic was so deteriorated that I couldn't get a 'lock' on how a lot of the lines bent, so the logo never quite looked right. I can't remember how we resolved this, but last week I was driving along and saw a nice, crisp logo on a billboard that the company did. No vector logo, huh? >_<

Cliche #3: (goes with #1) They also can't supply files for their text document, even though it's totally obvious the document was typed in Word and saved on someone's hard drive (a threat of 'heavily increased typesetting' will sometimes motivate them to lift a finger).

Cliche #4: 'Can you save that Quark XPress document into Word so we can open it here and make changes?' One client even went so far to purchase the full version of Adobe Acrobat so he could edit the PDF with the touch-up text tool, against my heavy warnings (touch-up text tool is not for word processing purposes!).

Cliche #5: Boss (fifteen seconds after handing me a job ticket): 'So uh, did you get to that (client) job yet?'

Cliche #6: His Son (after I complain they're accepting too many rush jobs): 'There's a reason we're called 'Kwik' Kopy.'

Cliche #7: Me: 'Kwik 'KOPY!' Not Kwik 'GRAPHIKS'!'

Patrick Shannon

'Dear valued customer, go home and die. Signed, your friendly graphic artist.'

http://www.patrickshannon.com/mwwc_sm.gif
My War With Culture (http://www.mywarwithculture.com)
Political incorrectness reinvented.

[Jason Fraker]

I once asked for an Illustrator EPS instead of the Gif image off the website. The customer promptly placed the Gif into Illustrator, and saved it as an EPS.

Also, I used to work for a print shop, and one of our clients, a degreed graphic designer at a large lighted sign company, brought by a disk with some art on it. The quark file had been burned to a disk, but none of the images or fonts had been collected. I asked her where the EPS files were. Her response: 'What's an EPS?' She has a BFA in graphic design, worked for the world's largest sign company in their art department and had no clue what either EPS or Postscript meant.

Some clients will print out a word document and fax it to me so I can recreate it. I have to call and have them just email it over.

'Can you make the logo BIGGER?'

I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but (insert stupid suggestion here)...

A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can even put on its shoes.
-Mark Twain

[Neuro]

Client: Use Red and Blue

Me: What PMS colors?

Client: I told you...Red and Blue.

Me: There are a lot of different ones. I need you to be more specific, please.

Client: Whatever you think is best.

~proof sent to customer~

Client: Those aren't the colors I wanted!!

Me: Oh, then what PMS colors do you want? Do you want it lighter or darker?

Client: Whatever you think is best.

Me thinks...Didn't we just do this? Argh!

"Thats just my opinion, I could be wrong." - Dennis Miller


** PersonalBlog (http://neuro-i-carmotur.blogspot.com)

** Business Blog (http://catseyecreations.blogspot.com)

[Neuro]

'I want my business card to look like yours!'

WTF? We actually had a client tell us this and tell us to just replace our 'Cats Eye' with a rose but keep it the same. Hello!! That's our design, dumbass!!

"Thats just my opinion, I could be wrong." - Dennis Miller


** PersonalBlog (http://neuro-i-carmotur.blogspot.com)

** Business Blog (http://catseyecreations.blogspot.com)

[morea]

'last change, I promise!' <- 17 more changes follow this statement

'can you make it look like X's logo' <- wherein 'X' is a large and widely known company

'well the only images we have are the ones on our website, can you just print those?'

'it's in MS Publisher'

if you can't say something nice, shut the hell up.

Memoirs of the Driven Insane (http://morealyera.blogspot.com/)

[morea]

'how hard is it to design a logo anyway?'

'can't you just do it for free?'

'all you do is play on a computer all day'

'your job doesn't require any talent.'

'HOW MUCH? I'll just have my son do it for me.'

if you can't say something nice, shut the hell up.

Memoirs of the Driven Insane (http://morealyera.blogspot.com/)

[morea]

'WELL, THEY CAN DO IT ON CSI...'

if you can't say something nice, shut the hell up.

Memoirs of the Driven Insane (http://morealyera.blogspot.com/)

[Jimeda Fork]

I get this one all the time:

"Can you give me the pdf in Word format?"

You don't know what you don't know.

[Neuro]

I got another one just now!!

'The blue needs to be two shades lighter!'

Shades = ? I sure as hell don't know!

"Thats just my opinion, I could be wrong." - Dennis Miller


** PersonalBlog (http://neuro-i-carmotur.blogspot.com)

** Business Blog (http://catseyecreations.blogspot.com)

[Kool]

Can you make the text a 'Bit' larger.

I have scales of points and inches and mms and picas and agates but I don't have a bit scale

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

[3howards]

good one cool....i get that one a lot

There's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people that ask questions.

[Kink]

You gotta love it when they ask for a flyer/brochure and say:

Customer: 'I'd like it colorful'

Me: 'ok, I'll design it in full colour, would you like a quote before I start?'

Customer: 'No, I don't care what it costs'

~proof shown~

Customer: That looks great (looks over to the price) I'm not paying THAT.

Me: you asked for full color.

Customer: The price is rediculas... what will it cost for no color?

Me: tells price...

Customer: Ok, I want no color now.

Then I had to pretty much redesign the whole thing because the price they chose was for 'photocopies' and the pictures and some of the type wouldn't even show up on a pancakeing photocopier!

Grr..




http://img106.exs.cx/img106/6982/knk3yr.jpg

[Ulysses]

Hahahahahahahahahaha ... hahahahahaa .... give me a minute to change my pants ....

[Ulysses]

Seriously, that was funny Kink. Never happened to me (not exactly) but I wish it had ....

[Patrick Shannon]

I'm going to copy and paste something that I came across a few years ago that I printed out and still hangs on my tackboard at work today (in plain view of customers). It's full of cliches. Don't know if anyone's posted this before, but if so, eh.

==============================
Some Helpful Hyponyms For
Griping Graphics Gurus

Colorproofers
As the term implies, these are people who want full-color proofs for every stinkin’ draft. Also can be used more generally for people who ask for a complete layout before there’s any content, or otherwise waste time, money, and effort to no good purpose.

Don’t Make Me Kick Your A** (DMMKYA)
Should be fairly self-explanatory. When someone gives you a hard time, this phrase has been known to bring about satisfactory results.

Four Fifteener (4:15er)
This is a client who never brings their work to you before 4:15, and always wants it by the end of the day. A relatively benevolent variation of this is the 3:15er; a nastier version is the 4:45er. Woe to the artist who has multiple 4:15ers in their office!

I Don’t Mean To Rush You (IDMETRY)
An IDMETRY is a client who brings you a project, says, “This can be done whenever you get a chance,” then calls you up twenty minutes later and asks if you’ve finished it. They’re prone to showing up when you’re up to your elbows in somebody else’s rush project.

I Found Something Else (IFSE)
If someone IFSEs you, they call you at the very last second (or later) with a change, correction, or addition to their project. A “little IFSE” is when someone calls up just as you’re getting ready to print out the final draft. A “big IFSE” is when you have to re-print the whole thing. A “big, fat, hairy IFSE” is when the project has already gone out the door and the client calls you up and tells you to go chase it.

I Meant To Tell You (IMTY)
“What do you mean you need two hundred color transparencies for the 9:30 a.m. meeting???” ’Nuff said.

Just One Little Change (JOLC)
JOLCs are a type of client, who is (A) never satisfied, and (B) under the impression that every element of a design is completely independent. For example, a JOLC might say something like “I really like this tabloid-size brochure design, but I have just one little change: can you make it legal-sized instead? Don’t change it, I like the way the text breaks fall, just make it smaller.”

Office Zombies
“You did a great job laying out that 200-page annual report in QuarkXpress. Can you give me an electronic version that looks exactly the same, but put it in MS Word? While you’re at it, can you re-draw that incredibly complex technical illustration in Powerpoint so the CEO can open it on his laptop to make changes?” WordPerfect users are usually smart enough to know better, but they can occasionally be guilty of this too, in which case they are also referred to as Office Zombies.

Spacebar People
These are people (usually, but not necessarily, Office Zombies) who bring you documents or graphics to work from, who think that a computer is basically a typewriter, and that formatting should be done with the space bar. Extreme examples of this include, say, creating columns on a page using spaces and broken sentences...

Stick In Their Oar (SITO)
A client who has to SITO takes the designs you slave to create for them, disappears for a few days, then comes back with designs that are almost, but not quite, totally unlike anything you did. Usually these designs are awful, amateurish, and make you ashamed to be connected with the work; but if you don’t use them, the client will throw a tizzy. Whatchagonnado?

Too Interesting To Be Used (TITBU)
Nine times out of ten, when a client asks for “Eye-catching, ground-breaking, dynamic design,” what they really mean is “Impact instead of Helvetica Bold for the headlines.” A TITBU design is one that conveys all of the information it needs to, in a dynamic and maybe even aesthetically pleasing way, but which makes the client’s palms sweat. They usually say something like, “Wow, that’s really great, but ... um ... I’m not sure it’s right for what I want.” Many graphic designers, when given a project, do one or two versions that have a chance of being used, and three or four more that are TITBU.

You Can’t Make Me Tell You What I Want (YOCAMMTY)
YOCAMMTY clients have very clear and distinct ideas about what they want in a graphic, but under no circumstances will they tell you what those ideas are. Queries, leading questions, suggestions, rough sketches ... nothing will get the YOCAMMTY to give you any feedback. Then, somehow, when you don’t give them what they want, it’s your fault.

Patrick Shannon

'Dear valued customer, go home and die. Signed, your friendly graphic artist.'

http://www.patrickshannon.com/mwwc_sm.gif
My War With Culture (http://www.mywarwithculture.com)
Political incorrectness reinvented.

[red raw]

morea said...
'WELL, THEY CAN DO IT ON CSI...'

Fantastic...

I like how they can zoom in on any 72dpi image, and automatically the computer 're-focuses' to perfect quality...


AND

How every time they zoom, or drag, or open a file on screen they have wonderful sound effects for each move. That would do my HEAD IN!!!!!!!

/emoticons/violent.gif

but it's just TV

/emoticons/thumbsup.gif

'I try to ensure my modesty covers up my obvious genius'

[Ulysses]

Thanks for that Patrick ... might integrate that into our Services Agreement.

[Kool]

/emoticons/lol.gif that was great Patrick! /emoticons/cool.gif

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

[Invader Xan]

Mercifully, I don't normally deal directly with clients. Dude, sales reps can be even worse though!

For instance 'The client loved it, but wants to make a few changes' -- this is the point that they produce a photocopy of your design that's been massacred with a red pen telling you to change everything but the background!

Oooo... or how about 'Please recreate the supplied file exactly' -- as if recreating someone else's design isn't insulting enough, it's usually a word document full of those stupid word art text effects.

Or when you give them a proof and their only response is 'I am not so keen on this'. Care to give me a proper brief and explain what you are 'keen' on, moron?

I would've taken over the world, but I got distracted by shiny things.

Ooo! Shiny things!

[Invader Xan]

Oh yeah, and there's the kind who doesn't quite grasp what you do.

'Couldn't you just centre this text/make this in red/use a different font for the header?'

So let me get this straight? I've painstakingly chosen the most appropriate font I could, chosen a full colour scheme without clashes and aligned everything... and you want me to throw away everything I've done?

Do me a favour -- hire a typesetter. /emoticons/violent.gif




BTW: Patrick, that was brilliant man. I've got to send that to some people...

I would've taken over the world, but I got distracted by shiny things.

Ooo! Shiny things!

[Kink]

I had a 4:15er when I worked at my last place...

She was a moron too... I hated her, she would come in 10-15 minutes before I had to close.
She HAD to sit next to me while she decided how her ad was going to be changed (this was a weekly thing).
She changed things, then said, put it back. Then added pictures (that I had to search through clip art books for a particular one cuz she didn't like the one I had on the computer) then she'd decide that it didn't look good there and to delete it.
This was repetitative for about 30-60 minutes. One time I had to throw her out and lock the doors and leave cuz I had a doctors appointment to get to and she had the phone in her hand calling my doc, rescedualling MY appointment.
She still came back.

And to top it all off... the origional ad was done a long time ago that has been revamped for years... it was in Pagemaker!!!!!!
She refused to let me recreate it in Quark or illustrator. Thank god I'm out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




http://img106.exs.cx/img106/6982/knk3yr.jpg

[Ulysses]

Kink ... I am so sorry for you. She sounds like she was a real +++++. Did you pull your 'avatar' face at her, as you closed the door on her? lol

[Kink]

LOL.. I wish I did, but she would have socked me one... she was like that. She used to stand up in the middle of us fixing her ad and start to excercise... WTF, she couldn't get skinny if her life depended on it.




http://img106.exs.cx/img106/6982/knk3yr.jpg

[Ulysses]

Kink said...
..I wish I did, but she would have socked me one... She used to stand up in the middle of us fixing her ad and start to excercise... WTF...

I see, Kink. One of those ... I am important! I know everything! Do what I say! Do this! Do that! If you don't, I'll turn you into a cat! hahaha ... silly woman. Did she always pay up though? unlike some customers. then again, I guess you'd rather she went elsewhere ...

[Kink]

She paid a higher price for my time she used (cuz the majority was overtime, not like I was paid for it, she just got charged for it) And paid well.




http://img106.exs.cx/img106/6982/knk3yr.jpg

[defjoe]

Many graphic designers, when given a project, do one or two versions that have a chance of being used, and three or four more that are TITBU.


ahahahahahahahahahahhaahaha

cleints are morons

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'
'I'm the damn designer, bitches!'

Check out my indie comic book!
www.assassinsguild.net/ (http://www.assassinsguild.net/)

[Patrick Shannon]

God Kink, that totally sucks. Guess your place doesn't charge rush fees, then? Rush fees are one reason why dingbat employers need to implement them. Of all the outsourcing places around here I know, I don't know of one that DOESN'T charge rush for the graphics or print section. Rush fees (if high enough) usually puts them in their place.

(I just noticed you said she paid well for the inconvenience. Sigh, nothing you can do about that, then. But the doctor's appointment thing was way rude. I wonder if employers/stupid customers would gripe at expectant fathers for trying to leave when their wife goes into labor)

Haven't gotten too many 4:15ers lately, but the last one I had, he visibly saw me with my jacket on, sunglasses on, keys in hand, and timecard in the puncher (this was more like a 4:45er).

Patrick Shannon

'Dear valued customer, go home and die. Signed, your friendly graphic artist.'

http://www.patrickshannon.com/mwwc_sm.gif
My War With Culture (http://www.mywarwithculture.com)
Political incorrectness reinvented.

[Patrick Shannon]

Oh, and customers who sit next to you while you work are the worst. You do something, you sit there and stare at them for thirty seconds while they think, then they tell you to do something else and redo/take back changes (as mentioned).

Customers who stand around the store instead waiting for you to get a proof done aren't so bad (no back seat drivers), but that's when equipment decides to screw up, print jobs magically disappear from the RIP, etc, which delays them (and you) by thirty extra minutes. EVERY TIME.

One time I had a back seat driver in the form of two Russian men who were trying to make a presentation to a bank for them to start their own restaurant and they needed an American designer to help them reword it better since they didn't know English that well yet. So it was a long process with them phoning up someone else to ask them approval on something and arguing in Russian. But at the end of it all, the Russians actually tipped me $5 or $10 dollars (and the project wasn't all THAT complex, it was just their phone calls and etc that held it up).

Patrick Shannon

'Dear valued customer, go home and die. Signed, your friendly graphic artist.'

http://www.patrickshannon.com/mwwc_sm.gif
My War With Culture (http://www.mywarwithculture.com)
Political incorrectness reinvented.

[jamodu]

I've just stumbled across this little website...I'm pretty sure you lot will appreciate it :)

http://www.clientcopia.com

'I want my website to be *ClientName* Media. None of this http, www, com, org or bullcrap like that. '

[Jimeda Fork]

Letting loose your choice bodily functions is a wonderful way to deter people from sitting next to you or staring over your shoulder while you work.

You don't know what you don't know.

[Patrick Shannon]

I just thought of another cliche....

'That's okay, I don't need to see another proof, go ahead with it.'

That pretty damn well means you should send them another proof.

Patrick Shannon

'Dear valued customer, go home and die. Signed, your friendly graphic artist.'

http://www.patrickshannon.com/mwwc_sm.gif
My War With Culture (http://www.mywarwithculture.com)
Political incorrectness reinvented.

No that means it's wrong of course it is and we will tell you two days after it prints that it's wrong and ask you if you can fix it, Oh and you know we need it by tomarrow.

Graphic Design Heroes! Call me Captain Type Caster. I’ve fought off “The Evil Cosmic Sans” for year but it seems “Dr. Extreme Untalent” keeps bringing him back. I must find a way to defeat this evil creature.

Capt. Creative bring me those comps…

[Athyrius]

I started a corporate website for a new company- grays blues clean and tight as requested.
The company gained some new clients- Clients that specialized in 'home based' marketing.
'CHANGE THE SITE DESIGN!' - WARMER/HOMEY.
Got a good proof done- it was accepted.. but before launch the
Company got some more new clients-hip hop artists.
WE NEED IT TO LOOK MORE URBAN/HIPHOP !
Got a good proof done, it was accepted.. but before launch the
Company got some large travel clients.
WE NEED HIPHOP/BAHAMAS/HOMEY/CORPORATE STYLING!

ARRRRRGGHH!!

Sometimes Reality just Isn't Real Enough

Make shore they pay up before more changes man.

Graphic Design Heroes! Call me Captain Type Caster. I’ve fought off “The Evil Cosmic Sans” for year but it seems “Dr. Extreme Untalent” keeps bringing him back. I must find a way to defeat this evil creature.

Capt. Creative bring me those comps…