Hard times

[morea]

A month ago my grandfather (my father's father) died. It was a very hard time... especially so because my immediate family has been very distant over the last 18 months. It was, however, very sudden and the doctors don't think that he suffered at all.

My other grandfather has been very ill... over the past few years he has been living with Parkinson's disease, had to have multiple surgeries, lived through a stroke, and is in and out of the hospital all the time. He is on oxygen and his kidneys have been rapidly failing... His kidney function has gone from 4.5 (which wasn't good) to 1 in the last few weeks.

He was such a strong man when I was growing up, and was always helping others. Now he cant even breathe on his own. My mother has been his regular caregiver for years, and I can't imagine how hard this is on her.

My grandfather's hearing is very poor, and he is very hard to understand. It is incredibly difficult to have a conversation with him, and very difficult to see him in his current condition. He is just waiting to die. I can't imagine what that feels like.

I try to stop and see him once a week - or more if I can - but it is so hard, and I just don't know what to say or do while I am there. I feel completely helpless. I just wish that something I do would make a difference.

I know that I am not the first person to go through something like this. Does anyone have any advice?

[Ghastly]

At this moment in time I can emphasise. Last year my gran was in hospital with pneumonia, when I learned of the condition and the severity of it, waves of emotion just hit me like a brick (and this doesn't happen to me often). The situation was made worse by the fact that she had lost the will to live herself. She is over that now but too needs help with her breathing (by way of oxygen cylinders). What makes her happy these days is not what people say (she can barely hear a thing)...just the fact that people are there and keep her company.

If I could afford the expense it takes for me to travel and see her..I would take her somewhere she likes such as Blackpool whenever I could (Popular UK seaside resort)...just somewhere anywhere other than the 4 walls she is trapped in day in day out.

[Tyger]

Hey Morea, it's definitely been a challenging time for you these days hasn't it? I would agree with Ghastly in terms of just being there, this alone helps tremendously. It is also important to try and keep him encouraged and happy, perhaps you can communicate in different ways like looking at some photos that may cheer him up.

For you, you have to remember that his time is coming, his life has been lived to its fullest, and it is time for him to venture into other realities. With loved ones it is always hard to let go and to stand back and let nature take her course, but it is what it is and there is only acceptance available to us. Death doesn't have to be a thing of sorrow, we only think that way because that's how we've been trained....instead let us celebrate his remaining days in honor, in memory and in love

[D-Zine]

I know exactly what the helplessness feels like morea. My mom passed away with cancer in Nov. of '02. She was diaognosed with it only 5 months before she passed. For the most she felt pretty good - until the last 3 weeks or so. One weekend I went home to visit and she could walk and do things, two weekends later I went home and she couldn't even walk to the bathroom. It's incredibly hard to see someone you love so much go through something like this. I can't even describe how it feels. They are degenerating in front of you and you feel as tho there is nothing you can do to stop, slow or ease the process for them.

Towards the end my mom couldn't walk and we had to use a wheelchair even just to get her around the house. I use to sleep on the couch when I would visit and I remember that somehow in the middle of the night, she found a way to make it down the hall, and into the living room in the middle of the night once, when she couldn't sleep. I woke up and she was sitting on the couch with me. That is something that I will remember for as long as I live because it was *my* time with her.

When I went home Thanksgiving, she was in the hospital. Her decline was extremely sudden. When I walked into the hsopital and saw her there - hooked up to machines and completely unaware of things, I didn't know how to handle things. A whirl of emotions goes through you that you can't even begin to describe. I didn't even think she heard me come into the room. She opened her eyes and all she said was "my girls" and held out her hands and me and my sister each went to her side. That is the last thing she said to me, or my sister because the next day she couldn't speak at all.

Why am I telling you all of this? I think that sometimes it helps when others share their experiences, so you know that you aren't alone in this world when it comes to things like this. When my mom was in the hospital, the Dr. told us that when one is dying, their hearing is the last to go. Normally I would think this is a crock, but after my mom I truly believe this. Once we got her back to the house (where she wanted to pass), she kept breathing until every person that I know she would have wanted present, was there.

I know its hard to see your grandfather in his current condition, and I know that if feels as if you being there does nothing at all to help him, and you maybe even think he doesn't know you are there - but I promise you that he does. You coming every week may not better his condition, and it may not take the pain away or make him live longer - but you visiting him let's him know how much you love him and care for him. Just be there for him like you have been. Believe me, you don't want any regrets when he passes. Let him know how much he means to you, k.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I know how you feel. If you ever need to talk, you know how to find me!

[Vikia]

Morea, I too understand this first hand.

I will be very short describing: My dad suffered an aneurysm in his brain stem causing a stroke at the young age of 51. He survived it only to be paralyzed from the earlobes down for 18 months until he succumbed to illness related to being paralyzed. While his motor movement was nil, his memory and other brain functions seemed fine. We could only communicate with him blinking twice for yes or once for no. Or we had an alphabet board that we would run our finger across slowly until he blinked to spell out something.

Your mom needs your support more than ever. As a primary care-giver, the stress is enormous. Offer to take her place once a week to give her a day off. Your grandfather will truly enjoy every moment you are just able to spend with him. This is how you already ARE making a difference.

Things I used to do were: be kind and patient, read to him, set near him and draw pictures for him, brought in family pictures and put scrapbooks together while he watched (directed with his eyes), watch movies with him, take him for short walks in his wheel chair outside. My brother and I would play cribbage and I would be my dad's partner, pointing to cards until he blinked which one he wanted to play.

Catastophic illness is a horrible thing to go through. But it is much worse for the patient if they are then pushed to the sidelines and forgotten. Include your grandfather as much as you can. He will appreciate it and love you for it.

[morea]

yeah, I'm doing my best. Thanks for the ideas and support, guys. I went over to visit tonight and took some photos and some of my recent ads so I could actually *show* him something. It's so hard. :(

[G-Man79]

Morea, it's safe to say that all of our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

My grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away in the spring of 03. My uncle and I are the only family in the area, so I would visit her once a week or so during her illness. The best advice that I can give you is just be by your grandfather's side. Knowing that a loved one is there makes a world of difference. Eventhough my grandmother was in pain, she really appreciated the fact that she wasn't by herself.

These situations are never easy but it definitely reinforces the importance of family. Just letting him know how much you love him will make a huge difference.

[cbscreative]

As someone fairly new to this forum, I am continually amazed how people from all over the world who have never met each other are yet so supportive. A friend of mine had a teenage daughter involved in an automobile accident that should have killed her. She made a complete recovery because people all over the world were praying. G-Man, you said it well when you mentioned prayer. As someone who has lived as a born again Christian for more than 20 years, I have seen miracles that could only be the direct answer to prayer.

Some great advice was given here. Life is cruel, even for the "redeemed" and spending time with loved ones is something they will love, and you will never regret. If I could encourage you with one thing without too much preaching, God is good, he just gets a bad rap when he gets blamed for things he never wants to happen. You see His love partly in the support you are getting right now. Jesus wept even though he knew he would be raising Lazarus from the dead. We all share in the sorrow that life dishes out. I can only hope each of us will also find comfort in faith.

I am confident that many others here will join me in praying for you Morea. They may or may not post to tell you, but the prayers will make a difference. God bless you and your grandfather.

[morea]

I find comfort from my religion too. Thank you for the kind words, Gman and Steve. It's so hard to watch someone suffer but I do truly believe that any suffering we endure in this world can be undone - and in time, it will even be forgotten. (Isaiah 65:16,17)

It's a doubly tough situation trying to be there for my parents, considering that they cut off all ties with me a year and a half ago (when I got divorced. Long story, you just don't want to know.) I am trying hard to build those bridges and be there for them even though things are really awkward, but like others have said, I don't want to regret doing or not-doing anything during this difficult time. For my part, I have done my best (and will continue to do my best) to be there for the people who need me. It is a very hard thing to do, but at least I won't have any regrets afterward.

[Vikia]

Just know that we are thinking of you and supporting you.

When family relationships are stressed already, a major illness can either break or mend fences. It is all in how you approach it. Even through the awkwardness, you are there for your grandfather, that is what is important.

Try to leave everything else on the sidelines and put him first.

[morea]

Just know that we are thinking of you and supporting you.

I really appreciate it. You guys are the best.

[jimintn]

Morea,

Ditto what everyone else has already said. You are in our thoughts and we are all wishing the best for for you. When you get so frustrated that you need to yell (and you probably will), come here and yell at us, instead of those around you that are also stressed and frustrated.

Please let us know if there is anything else any of us can do.

Jim