A question for anyone who's been in a relationship...

[Magnus]

As you all know, my g/f is in New Zealand. A few years ago, she made some friends when she was travelling across Europe. One of those friends, some jimmy, is in Austrailia and she is planning on going to see him. This doesn't sit well with me because:

1. She was figuring on staying with him for a while. Ummmm...No. No sleeping at some dude i've never met's place...no showering, no nothing. Is this unreasonable?

2. I don't feel it's entirely a trust issue on her part...I do trust her. I don't trust him. For you ladies out there, ask one of your guy friends this hypothetical question: If they had a female friend that was relatively attractive, if the opportunity arose, would they have sex with them? I'm willing to bet 99% of the time the answer would be yes. In fact, I bet that half the guys any of the girls here ask that to, will be like "Why, do you want to have sex with me?" It's what we're made for. It's on our minds 90% of the time.

3. It would plant a seed of doubt in my mind. I can't help it. It's bad enough she's been gone 3 months already, and won't be back till mid july. I feel that if she truly feels "we" are worth it, then it's a good idea to avoid any situation which may compromise the integrity of our relationship, and more importantly, our trust.

4. I would never do such a thing to her...to me it's a simple matter of the golden rule. One on One "outings" with the opposite sex, regardless of relationship to me is just disrespectfull, and inviting trouble.

5. Now, the danger here, is I could be the "bad boyfriend"...the guy who tries to control her by limiting what she can and can't do. I don't want to do that. In fact, I tried to make it as clear as possible that I was only trying to tell her how I felt about it, and of the possible dangers it would pose to us.

6. Another thing is...she tells me she thinks he could be gay. Well, we don't know that for sure. She said it didn't seem like he was interested when they were in Europe...but then I pointed out the fact that staying in a room with 4 other people usually ixnay's any chance of romance. I don't know this guy...I don't trust or like this situation.

To me, it's like a recovering alcoholic getting a job at the Beer Store. Why tempt fate?

Ok...what do you guys think? I'd like opinions from everyone on this.

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[defjoe]

Hummm...this is a tough one. i'm not a jealous guy, to maybe the surprise of the regulars on here that know me, but I have a LONG history with my wife and trust her completely. But that was built up over years. you, Magnus, do not have that yet. so it is natural to be a little jealous. I can totally agree with you on the trust issue is not with her but him. You don't know this dude from a hole in the wall.

did you tell her what you told us. I would do that, calmly tell her the points you made here. If she gets pissed then you might have to re-think the entire relationship no matter how much it could hurt.

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'

[evilryu209]

dude, put ur lady in check and tell her to keep her legs closed, if u let her go with him, he's gonna bone her, if u want to be a great bf, u'll tell her who's her daddy...if u let a girl get her way and let her think for herself, consider the relationship over....if she wants to go out with some other dude, then let her go, whats gonna stop her from doing that again in the future? maybe when u guys are married? could end up in divorce anyways, cut urself the heartache and just bizzounce...go date her best friend....good luck btw...sorry to sound sooo insensitive, i just dont like fellow designers (male or female) getting dissed by their significant other......a saying i'd like to pass on to u, actually 2 sayings...

'u cant turn a hoe into a housewife'

and

'pus** has no face'

not trying to imply that there is a hoe...just saying how it is

i hope u feel better man

[defjoe]

or you can do what ^that^ guy said

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'

[Magnus]

^ ^ who the hell is this kid....lmao! Dude, I hate to ask, but how old are you? You may have a bit to learn as far as relationships go evilyryu, not to mention the fact that no one has the right to put anyone in check. That to me sounds like you're 13 and on your way to becoming a wife-beater. Your sayings at the bottom of your message is on the same level as any disrespectful piece of $hit that has little value for anyone but themselves. Thanks for your advice, but next time you want to roll with the adults, better ditch the teeny 'I'm tough' attitude.

Joe, I sent her a long email which elaborates even more on the above points. How she responds will determine my action. What you said is right though...we weren't together long enough to foster a lot of trust. She may very well become angry...she may decide to go and see him. And you're right...should that happen, then I know what I have to do for myself.

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[defjoe]

move onto the bread roll chick. :)

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'

[Magnus]

Ahahahahahaah

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[D-Zine]

LOL @ the bread chick.

Magnus...after reading your post I can totally understand why you feel like you do. Honestly, I think that she shouldn't stay with this guy umm...errr...Jimmy, because it makes you uncomfortable. I don't think you are worried AT ALL about her, but this guy. I have alot of guy friends and they are always telling me exactly what you said here...'If they had a female friend that was relatively attractive, if the opportunity arose, would they have sex with them...I'm willing to bet 99% of the time the answer would be yes' Now us women for the most part don't wanna believe that is true, but how can you hear it from EVERY man you know and not believe it?!? LOL!

I think its good that you sent her the email that you did. I hope that she doesn't get angry and instead that it helps her understand why you feel like you do and helps her rethink things.

But...if not...I hate to say it, but I agree with what Joe said about you rethinking the relationship. If I were planning to stay at some guys house and my BF wasn't comfortable with it...I wouldn't do it, but everyone is different I guess. Anyways...I hope that things work out ok.

http://coastalcarousel.com/GDF/metatag3.jpg

Who says doodling isn't constructive?!

[uncle carbunkle]

probably the point of her travelling alone, or without you, is so that she can have her own adventures.

if she's mean, or an idiot, she'll tell you everything or elude to sex-things that nearly happened, but-don't-worry-you-can-trust-me.

if she's smart, she'll do what she's going to do, and not tell you a thing. that MAY mean that she's done the dirty on you and you'll never know. it may ALSO mean that she's been faithful and missed you terribly, but also knows how jealous you're becoming. my advice to HER would be to keep schtum and enjoy her holiday whilst allowing you at least a small piece of mind. you either trust her (girls CAN say no, y'know) or you don't and anything she writes in an email could be just as deceitful as you're afraid she'll be. this really is your issue. she's dealt with her issues.

saying that, if it were my partner, i'd be freaking out. the point is - you'll never know. sorry, magnus.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, there is.

[Magnus]

No probs. There is no true way of knowing. I appreciate your honesty in that.
Wait, what did you mean by "schtum"?




- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[uncle carbunkle]

uh...i meant keep quiet. yeah, quiet.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, there is.

[uncle carbunkle]

in fact, why not see if you can go for a few weeks without calling or emailing her at all. maybe YOU should keep 'schtum', as they (me) say. i mean, tell her first, but maybe you should let fondness let the heart grow abcesses...

i mean, she's in freakin' australia and you can't stop thinkin' about her? maybe you should stop communication for a few weeks.

or maybe not.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, there is.

[defjoe]

Amnibo said...
Ahh jealousy, that's all this is Magnus. Has nothing to do with who trusts who, it's all about that ugly green monster.

Yeah I hate that too... robbed the Red Sox of a lot of home runs over the years!

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'

[uncle carbunkle]

hard to cuddle up to in bed, too...

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, there is.

[Chriser]

Hmm.... how would said GF feel about the bread-roll-tight-whatever girl? :P

[D-Zine]

Ahhhh hahhahha - 'Bread Roll tight whatever girl'...OMG...too funny!

http://coastalcarousel.com/GDF/metatag3.jpg

Who says doodling isn't constructive?!

[Magnus]

Chriser, glad you brought that point up. Amy, you can say it's jealousy..sure, that's part of it. Insecurity about myself...HAHahahahahah... Nope. I'm the alpha here. Regardless of the reasoning, why would anyone in a relationship do ANYTHING to hurt the other person? Take this question as an example (and this gets back to what Chriser said):

So here's my question to stacey: If me going out with my friend Vanessa, or being hit on by an 18 year old makes you jealous, then how would it make you feel if I went out with one of them? If it would bother you, and I knew that, do you think I would still do it? Of course not. Why would I willingly and knowlingly do something that hurts you? So my question is, why would you do it to me?

It's all about the golden rule. I am in NO WAY saying she can't see her guy friends, but under certain social conditions (like one on one) it's quite bothersome to me. If she wants to go out with a guy, she can...me. That's what I'm here for. Males and females have one simple task in life. To mate. Period. To say otherwise is to ignore 500 000 years of genetic programing. And again, ask any guy who you consider a friend ladies, to see if they'd bang you if the opportunity arose. They'd say YES. So can women and men truly be friends? NO. Friends don't have sex with each other, nor do they think about having sex with them.

This is the only thing I won't budge on. Everything else I either compromise, or allow totally. This thing, this 'condition' is a small thing to ask for. HOWEVER...she also told me she wants to be able to 'hang out' with her guy friends when she comes home too. I don't F'n think so. I don't work that way.

This situation is reincarnating feelings in me I haven't felt in like 6 years. My first ex (an evil bitch) used to do this to me all the time. It made my fly into a rage...I swore I wouldn't have someone like that in my life again, and now it seems I am falling back into that situation. So she either smart'n's the hell up, or I take care of me. Has to be that way. Otherwise I'm no good to anyone as a simmering ball of anger.

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[Chriser]

Magnus,

I can see your view.. to a point. (Alpha? If my husband said that to me he'd be in the dog house. haha. :P)
Anyway, don't you think your comment from another topic 'Let's see where this goes' or whatever, regarding the Sticky-bun Girl,
is unfair to your current GF? Didn't you have evil intentions there? I'm curious how the two situations would be different if
Sticky-bun Girl hadn't come into the office with some other guy the other day giving you the evil eye.

Just a thought between prepping boring files & walking alphas.

[Magnus]

Nah, not really. When I said 'see where this goes' it would have to stop at anything beyond that fun we call flirting. My g/f flirts all the time, I have no problem with that. The difference is the intent behind it. There's no way I would willingly tarnish my own honour by cheating on my g/f. I'm better than that. Besides, I told her all about that 18 year old. Even down to the amazing body. Why? I guess cuz i'm honest, even if it'll sting. But it keeps my concsious clear...though I still have trouble sleeping at night.

The trouble is...that stacey knows full well that I would NEVER go on date, go out with, or even see a girl while I'm with her. It won't happen. Thus she CAN confidently say 'Yes Matt, I trust you 100%'. She knows that I would sooner cut my own arm off, than do anything deliberate to HURT HER FEELINGS. So far, this is a one sided affair. If she cannot stick to the 'golden rule' then why would I want to be with someone like that? Why would I want someone who would deliberately do something to hurt me, simply because we have a difference of opinions? If I was worth it to her, there is no way in hell this will be a hard decision. And again, I must clarify, I only don't want her 1 on 1 with some guy that I don't know. As a group of people, no problems. I don't think I am asking for much.

Another thing I thought of, the more I talk to people, but don't you think a 1 on 1 outing should be something special you do with your significant other? Why should you hand out the honour and the pleasure to someone other than they? Are they not worth it? To me, that is one of the defining things of a couple. You allow them the right to be the only one to take you out. You give them that choice, that freedom. It in return, is paid in kind.

How would you feel if your husband started going out with one of his female friends? Would it begin to erode your confidence? Would it make you feel bad? Tell me this, would it make you feel worse, knowing that he knows exactly how it makes you feel, but he does it anyway. It would speak volumes about the relationship, don't you think?

For now, I think the compromise is telling her it's totally ok to go see this homo in australia. But any 1 on 1 garbage here isn't acceptable for he above reasons.

Is that unfair?

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[defjoe]

Mags,

did Stacey respond to your email yet and I ain't saying much cause I agree with most of your points.

the only thing i cna say is that this is obviuosly botering you.. .you have to make sure it isn't going to poison you. If you feel it is.. you might have to move on.

'I will become the most powerful Jedi ever!'

[Magnus]

Yeah, she did man...we spoke on the phone last night. And I also talked to her best friend today. Check your email.

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[Magnus]

Victory! We both compromised...I said it's cool if she goes to see the homo in australia, but not stay at his place. Using the above examples of the 18 year old and my other female friend, I was able to show her how it would make me feel if she did the same thing when she was home. And it worked, she saw my point of view and said she wouldn't do something to deliberately hurt me.

The conversation then went really well...she's planning on coming home for my week off in july, and we're going to surprise her mom and friends, as well as driving up to kingston to see her dad (whom I've never met before).

So yeah...it's all good.

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for posting your thoughts, it allowed me to see things from a different view.

- There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.

[D-Frag]

wooohoo, glad she came to her senses mag : ) kudos to you for stayin straight on the subject!!



censored by the all mighty gods of reality. (http://www.broadjam.com/songtracking/playsonghifi.asp?songID=70045&play_file=6353_70045 &sessionID=AD25B69960314533A78B9AE267360C5E&sessio nINDEX=5525)

[Keyare]

Screw it. Just trust her. Let her know you trust her.
If she screws up, dump her and move on.
The Alpha male doesn't worry about those kinds of things.

[Magnus]

Hey, no one is perfect man. And the alpha male did a fine job tonight.

"The function of a warrior is to eliminate an exterior enemy presence. A warrior is an antitoxin, a protector. The warrior does combat where and when necessary and not otherwise. "


- Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon

[snypa]

'Screw it. Just trust her. Let her know you trust her.
If she screws up, dump her and move on.
The Alpha male doesn't worry about those kinds of things.'

Amen, my brother!

[Magnus]

You know...what defjoe said is a VERY bold statement, and will probably apply to maybe 20% of people out there. Given the fact that human nature is inherently self serving, someone at some point in their life is going to get screwed over by someone else. To just blindly trust someone is folly. To ignore the lessons life teaches is to not grow as a person. Because of my experiences in life, I don't 'just trust' anyone. It's earned, and certainly it takes more than 1.5 months (which is how long stacey and I were together before she left).

Any situation one encounters must be kept in perspective. And all the tools a person has acquired through life must be brought to bear, in order to find the best solution for everyone involved, but first and foremost, themselves.

"The function of a warrior is to eliminate an exterior enemy presence. A warrior is an antitoxin, a protector. The warrior does combat where and when necessary and not otherwise. "


- Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon

[snypa]

It's sounds like you're looking at this from a good angle. Just remember, relationships are a gamble. Don't put in more than you're willing to loose. My girlfriend of two years left me about two weeks ago. She moved out and everything. Looking back, I wish it would have happened sooner. It's like...at first the things she did didn't bother me (it was new), but just after it's been too long to leave her over many little things, they started to get to me (it got old).

–What I'm Trying to Say–
I think you should take a serious look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay with her longterm. If so, work it out and bury your worries. If not, move on.

–Sidenote–
I was dating a different girl a while back. She had a friend who we both though was gay. Turns out he wasn't. Some dudes, I guess, use the gay act for it's stealthness. Last (Sweet...I just won an ipod, according to this popup!) I heard they were still together. Don't let that influence your decision, though. He shouldn't be a part of it, just think about the two of you.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than a frontal lobotomy!

[Magnus]

We have it all sorted out. I have a good handle on what I want and finding that in another person. She also has a good head on her shoulders, which I think is the reason why we sorted it out so well. It's not even an issue anymore

Sorry to hear about your g/f snypa, but it sounds like it was the right thing for you, and you'll be better off.

"The function of a warrior is to eliminate an exterior enemy presence. A warrior is an antitoxin, a protector. The warrior does combat where and when necessary and not otherwise. "


- Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon