Apple-Branded Apples Not A Success.
Sources within Apple retail say that, after a brief test market trial, Apple has abandoned a plan to sell Apple-branded apples in grocery stores.
'Apple apples did not sell well,' a source admitted. 'It was probably that one big bite taken out of the side. I think our findings indicate that pre-bitten food is not a growth business. Or even a niche market. Or... any kind of market at all.
'I told them it was a bad idea.'
Grocery industry experts say Apple's first foray into the complicated world of grocering was not well conceived.
'Well, see, the problem with the Apple apple... is the big bite taken out of it,' said Jeff Ganung, editor of Today's Grocer, an industry magazine.
Ganung held up an Apple apple and pointed to the prominent bite taken out of it, which was designed to remind the grocery shopper of the company's trademark logo, one of the most recognizable in the world.
'See? A big bite... right out of the side... it's not... I don't... In general, people don't want food that's already been bitten in to.
'It just leads to all kinds of questions about whether these apples are sanitary or not. And... I'm guessing not.'
Ganung believes Apple misjudged the sophistication of the grocery shopper.
'Shoppers were just left to wonder, who's the guy who took a bite of this apple? Do I know him? Does he work at the grocery? The supplier? Does he floss?
'My understanding is that Apple thought it wouldn't be an issue because apples are sold by weight and the shopper wouldn't be paying for the missing bite, so, no big deal. That, however, skirted the larger issue of 'Yuck. Who bit into all these apples?''
Internal memos indicate that, frustrated by the Apple apple's lack of success, executives at first asked if it was simply the size or position of the bite. Grocery consultants working with the company replied that, no, it was just 'the fact that there's a fricking bite out of it. Nobody wants that. What's wrong with you?'
The remaining Apple apples are expected to be turned into a pie.
'Adventure, Excitement, A Jedi craves not these things.'
'Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of the Force are they.'
Linear Mode
